A place to solidify thoughts.
16 Jan 10

What do I miss?

What do I miss? The sex? The friendship? The companionship?

All of it.

Are we in different places now? Yes.

10 years seperate us. It shouldn’t really mean anything if your heart is involved. But I see how we are on different paths. Mostly see anyway. I think it doesn’t really matter to me. I would give everything for another chance. To be in it completely. To be the person and boyfriend and companion and friend I could be. I will be. To whoever comes into my life next.

I could sit and write down a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together. I could also write a million reasons why we should. At the end of the day none of that matters though.

What matters is how you feel.

I love her. I think I always will. Wherever our lives take us and whatever our friendship becomes - or doesn’t - she changed my life. She made me want to be a better person. And I am. I am still changing.

to be continued…

10 Jan 10
A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.
— Richard Bach (via kari-shma)
14 Dec 09
Sometimes you just need to realise that you can’t have it all and you can’t fix every mistake you ever made. You need to move on and try be happy even if it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do
— (via runawaytrain)
14 Dec 09

somwhat baffled

I am baffled by her new choice of companion. Not that it’s bad as such, or I have anything against him. I just can’t see it. Is it just sex? Maybe. Is it something more? It might turn into it.

I just don’t see it. No offense to either of them.

I suppose it shows that I really should stop wasting my energy on thinking about it. It shows that we are on different levels. Not that one is better, just that we are in different places.

I should continue to explore where I’m at and not try figure out anything else.

I can finally breath.

09 Dec 09
A friend Is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart, and in touching your heart makes an everlasting oath never to leave it
— seen on liberianboy.tumblr
09 Dec 09

Let go of your worries

and be completely clear-hearted,

like the face of a mirror

that contains no images.

If you want a clear mirror,

behold yourself

and see the shameless truth,

which the mirror reflects.

If metal can be polished

to a mirror-like finish,

what polishing might the mirror

of the heart require?

Between the mirror and the heart

is this single difference:

the heart conceals secrets,

while the mirror does not.

— Rumi - The Divani Shamsi Tabriz, XIII
09 Dec 09

Longboarding through Treacle

I dreamt the other night I was on a long (skate) board following her down the road by the creek. You know those dreams where your body feels slow and heavy like you’re moving through treacle? I tried shouting her name to no avail. I just wanted to say hello, talk for a minute.

She knew I was following, but didn’t turn around, and actually sped up.

Everytime I got to a corner hoping I had got closer, I rounded it to find she was further away. Such a sense of helplessness.

While the dream fills me with pain and anguish I can’t help but smile. My subconscious is battering me with symbolism. It knows what I need to do and must be tearing it’s hair out with my stubbornness.

I am getting over it. It has been a slow process, but I see it happening.

I just need to let go completely.

08 Dec 09
(via runawaytrain)

(via runawaytrain)


08 Dec 09
Some things in life are worth everything. Others aren’t. But, some people are too blind to realize that.
— A boy with hope… (via aboywithhope)
08 Dec 09

Friendship lost?

While I still have feelings for her, and am attracted to her immensely, I have been coming to terms with the fact that a romantic relationship will never again happen. I never wanted things to go back to how they were, because I know that both have us have changed. My life certainly has changed profoundly. I hoped for a long time that something new might happen between us, something deeper and more intimate. Something that I would be in totally and completely. I got hung up on this, and my life and our friendship suffered as a result.

I only just got out of this mind set recently, in the last month or so. Mostly. Sometimes I still slip back into longing but realise I’m just torturing myself, so bring myself out of it.

What’s starting to hurt now is the loss of a friend. I wonder - hope - if it’s just temporary. I hope. But I try not to hold onto that either for fear of returning down the same dark hole into self pity and doubt. Things happen as they do. Trying to hold onto it is not only futile but brings more pain.

I miss my friend.