Mind/Matter

Awakened Hunger

Sometimes the urge rushes through me and all I can think about is women and sex. I know that’s common for a male (well heterosexual I suppose), but sometimes I wonder if it’s more than the usual. Maybe it’s just because it’s been awhile. Still, it leaves me actually ready to go out and see if anything exciting happens. Not that I really hook up for the sake of hooking up. It happened a few times and each time it gets less likely. Not impossible, but less likely. I don’t want it to happen just for the sake of it. I want to meet someone and share a connection, even if only briefly. 

But damn. Damn! O.o

A new me

Kind of. Still the same, but I have run myself through the ringer. So much emotional turmoil over the last few years.

Looking back it feels as if it’s across a vast distance, as if I can only partially relate to the person I was. In many ways that’s true. I think back to my state of mind back then, and times more recent, and shake my head, though while smiling. I would not change it, it had to happen for me to understand, but this learning the hard way is slowly getting old. 

I am a new person. I have moved past the roiling harmful energy I wrapped myself in and am now calm. Mostly. Sometimes I still get stuck with the familiar pang, but nothing like before. And to be honest, I think it’s more the fact that I am just yearning to be with someone. Not her anymore. Someone else is definitely in mind. I don’t want to transfer one dependance onto the other, so will just live my life and see what happens. Of course when our paths cross again I will say something. I have missed two chances, the third will not pass me by. 

We are ‘it’. ‘It’ is happening through us. The more I realise this and the deeper sense it makes the truer my smile is. Wake up, open your eyes, pay attention to this life. It is why we are here. Come into your body. Experience. 

Follow your passion. 

full moon

One of these days I’m going to read through this blog and shake my head at the state of mind I’ve been in some of the times over these past couple years, then smile and realise I needed to go through it all. 

More Jamesons and a great fucking night. Nothing happened apart from enjoying myself and the drama of other people, but it gave us a chance to talk and for me to actually say what I’ve been too scared to say, though I know before now wasn’t the right time to say anything. I was open and honest and feel a lightness in my chest where the pain of holding it in had built up and is now gone. 

What now?

I live my life, she lives hers, and our friendship continues. Will something more happen? I don’t know, and while I want it to whatever happens it is cool. I love her and she knows this. 

I am happy. 

Jamesons

A few sips of Jamesons with her last night and my desire was so great I could feel it rising in my chest. Not that I needed the whiskey, but it certainly brought things to a head so to speak. 

If she would have come back would I have said something? Or just tried to play it cool and do the right thing?

I have certainly got myself right in the middle of things. But to be perfectly honest I think that’s where I want to be. Who knows what will happen. One path out is certainly the more desirable one, but the other one is also possible. I know this. 

Hot pants and green panties and jamesons. I think we need to hang out again. 

learnings

Reading through this blog puts me in mind of all of the different emotional states I have been in these past few years. From forlorn sadness to upbeat acceptance and from devastating loss to quiet hope. More, less and everything in between. 

Where am I now?

Calm assurance. Mental clarity. Energy follows thought. I create my reality. 

It’s as simple as that. 

Our friendship has slowly been moving forward in the last few months. I have given her the space she needed to deal with her own issues, yet made sure she knows I will always be there in whatever way I am needed. 

What means the most to me now is our friendship. She is one of the most important people in my life. I let my own doubts and fears get in the way of it many times, but slowly and painfully learned not to. And sometimes I still think too much. But as I do I remind myself that that was part of the problem at the start. Think about things, sure. But realise that what matters is right now. The past or the future are fluid and can turn into anything. Now is the moment we must pay attention to because it’s all we have. 

What matters is how you feel. Pay attention to it. Open up to it. Listen to that inner voice. 

We create our reality. Why not create happiness and loving. It’s as easy as thinking it. 

What do I miss?

What do I miss? The sex? The friendship? The companionship?

All of it.

Are we in different places now? Yes.

10 years seperate us. It shouldn’t really mean anything if your heart is involved. But I see how we are on different paths. Mostly see anyway. I think it doesn’t really matter to me. I would give everything for another chance. To be in it completely. To be the person and boyfriend and companion and friend I could be. I will be. To whoever comes into my life next.

I could sit and write down a million reasons why we shouldn’t be together. I could also write a million reasons why we should. At the end of the day none of that matters though.

What matters is how you feel.

I love her. I think I always will. Wherever our lives take us and whatever our friendship becomes - or doesn’t - she changed my life. She made me want to be a better person. And I am. I am still changing.

to be continued…

somwhat baffled

I am baffled by her new choice of companion. Not that it’s bad as such, or I have anything against him. I just can’t see it. Is it just sex? Maybe. Is it something more? It might turn into it.

I just don’t see it. No offense to either of them.

I suppose it shows that I really should stop wasting my energy on thinking about it. It shows that we are on different levels. Not that one is better, just that we are in different places.

I should continue to explore where I’m at and not try figure out anything else.

I can finally breath.