October 2011
2 posts
Awakened Hunger
Sometimes the urge rushes through me and all I can think about is women and sex. I know that’s common for a male (well heterosexual I suppose), but sometimes I wonder if it’s more than the usual. Maybe it’s just because it’s been awhile. Still, it leaves me actually ready to go out and see if anything exciting happens. Not that I really hook up for the sake of hooking up....
A new me
Kind of. Still the same, but I have run myself through the ringer. So much emotional turmoil over the last few years.
Looking back it feels as if it’s across a vast distance, as if I can only partially relate to the person I was. In many ways that’s true. I think back to my state of mind back then, and times more recent, and shake my head, though while smiling. I would not change it,...
July 2010
3 posts
full moon
One of these days I’m going to read through this blog and shake my head at the state of mind I’ve been in some of the times over these past couple years, then smile and realise I needed to go through it all.
More Jamesons and a great fucking night. Nothing happened apart from enjoying myself and the drama of other people, but it gave us a chance to talk and for me to actually say...
Jamesons
A few sips of Jamesons with her last night and my desire was so great I could feel it rising in my chest. Not that I needed the whiskey, but it certainly brought things to a head so to speak.
If she would have come back would I have said something? Or just tried to play it cool and do the right thing?
I have certainly got myself right in the middle of things. But to be perfectly honest I think...
June 2010
1 post
learnings
Reading through this blog puts me in mind of all of the different emotional states I have been in these past few years. From forlorn sadness to upbeat acceptance and from devastating loss to quiet hope. More, less and everything in between.
Where am I now?
Calm assurance. Mental clarity. Energy follows thought. I create my reality.
It’s as simple as that.
Our friendship has slowly...
January 2010
2 posts
What do I miss?
What do I miss? The sex? The friendship? The companionship?
All of it.
Are we in different places now? Yes.
10 years seperate us. It shouldn’t really mean anything if your heart is involved. But I see how we are on different paths. Mostly see anyway. I think it doesn’t really matter to me. I would give everything for another chance. To be in it completely. To be the person and...
“A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our...”
– Richard Bach (via kari-shma)
December 2009
11 posts
“Sometimes you just need to realise that you can’t have it all and you...”
– (via runawaytrain)
somwhat baffled
I am baffled by her new choice of companion. Not that it’s bad as such, or I have anything against him. I just can’t see it. Is it just sex? Maybe. Is it something more? It might turn into it.
I just don’t see it. No offense to either of them.
I suppose it shows that I really should stop wasting my energy on thinking about it. It shows that we are on different levels. Not that...
“A friend Is someone who reaches for your hand but touches your heart, and in...”
– seen on liberianboy.tumblr
“Let go of your worries
and be completely clear-hearted,
like the face of a...”
– Rumi - The Divani Shamsi Tabriz, XIII
Longboarding through Treacle
I dreamt the other night I was on a long (skate) board following her down the road by the creek. You know those dreams where your body feels slow and heavy like you’re moving through treacle? I tried shouting her name to no avail. I just wanted to say hello, talk for a minute.
She knew I was following, but didn’t turn around, and actually sped up.
Everytime I got to a corner hoping I...
“Some things in life are worth everything. Others aren’t. But, some people are...”
– A boy with hope… (via aboywithhope)
Friendship lost?
While I still have feelings for her, and am attracted to her immensely, I have been coming to terms with the fact that a romantic relationship will never again happen. I never wanted things to go back to how they were, because I know that both have us have changed. My life certainly has changed profoundly. I hoped for a long time that something new might happen between us, something deeper and...
“When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I...”
– Paulo Coelho (via kari-shma)
“It’s weird how you go from being strangers, to being friends, to being more than...”
– Unknown (via aco)
fork in the road
How different would things be between us now if I made a different choice that fateful night?
In the midst of a furious row I screamed and shouted and threw things off my deck. I told you it was over, go home, leave me alone, we were through. But you didn’t. I punched the wall. It wasn’t enough, I punched it again.
*crack*
I knew right away something was broken.
Immediately my...
November 2009
3 posts
Cosmic Dust
Watching a few crumbs of comet dust blazing to a brilliant death in the atmosphere makes you realise, in our own way, we’re all doing the same. It’s just a matter of perspective. And while some blaze more brilliantly, the end result is still the same.
“…it was you who let everything into my heart, and it was you who once...”
– Sigur Ros (I omitted the ‘but’ at the start)
Healing and Renewal
After holding in all these thoughts and torturing myself for months I finally let them out and told her how I felt. I knew it wouldn’t turn out how it does in the movies. But, it turned out as it had to.
I know that our relationship as it stand is as it should be. Friends. I needed to admit to myself and her exactly what was going on in my head and heart in order to move on. I had stuck...
October 2009
1 post
August 2009
1 post
lost in a daze
I broke up with my girlfriend over a year ago. Since then I’ve gone deep into myself to find out exactly why things happened the way they did. Things had to get really really bad for the change to happen, and while it was certainly not fun to go through it certainly had to happen.
You only learn the hard way.
Over the past few months I’ve been lost in a cloud of forlorn hope and...
April 2009
4 posts
“It’s up with my heart when it skips a beat (skips a beat)
Can’t...”
– The Coral - Dreaming of You
“he smiles then looks away and you wonder just maybe that smile meant something...”
– (via victoryblues) (via mahal-kita) (via hit-or-miss) (via shany)
“The purpose of training is to tighten up the slack, toughen the body, and polish...”
– Morihei Ueshiba (December 14, 1883–April 26, 1969)
I miss you so much it hurts
March 2009
4 posts
acceptance or resignation?
The state of things slowly gets more acceptable.
Is it because I’m getting a better understanding, and know that it is what’s best? Or does it just hurt too much to pour my heart out when it’s too late for that? Will I get tired of torturing myself this way?
It’s probably a bit of both. I know things are better this way. but it still hurts.
My heart is making it’s...
“If I should die this very moment
I wouldnt fear
For I’ve never known...”
– Lamb “Gorecki”
dreams of you
I had a dream last night.
Emotion filled my whole being, it was was so real and so overwhelming I thought my heart would burst.
All I wanted was a kiss.
Please stop littering
I had a dream a few months ago where I was in an indian slum. Having recently watched Slumdog Millionaire, it was very much like Bombay/Mumbai. There wasn’t too much to it, I was in a semi-covered area where there was a lot of trash, dirt and homeless/slumdogs.
An indian man spoke to me. He was of the eccentric holy man sort - minimal clothes, long dreaded/matted hair, longer beard and...
February 2009
5 posts
“Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his own nature into his...”
– Henry Ward Beecher (via kari-shma)
“I am content to follow to its source
Every event in action or in thought;...”
– from “A Dialogue of Self and Soul”
by W.B. Yeats
read in “Iron John” by Robert Bly
Something Beautiful
Boris Becker was playing doubles in a tournament with a lesser-known player as his partner - Luke. It was not going well. Every time Luke hit the ball it went out, or was rocketed back to him. It was getting worse and worse as Luke’s anxiety level rose. And their opponents hit many balls to him because they knew he would muff them. Boris and Luke were losing badly. Eventually the moment...
January 2009
17 posts
“With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil...”
– Steven Weinberg - Nobel Laureate in Physics
Karma
turquoisebird:
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
— Wayne Dyer
oops
I thought my first post on frustration was lost to the internet because I didn’t save it. But it appears it is alive and well. Now I’m not sure whether I want to delete either version of the same post. For now, they are safe.
Origins of Frustration
The other day a work colleague’s son was running around the office with his Nintendo DS. She commented that it stands up well seeing as he gets frustrated and throws it against the wall or ground, and it still works. This brought to mind something my Mum still tells people, and that I remember quite clearly.
When I was about the same age as my colleague’s son, 5ish, I used to get...
Origins of Frustration
Last year I broke my hand when I punched a wall during an argument/misunderstanding with my then girlfriend.
I always thought I was more of the calm and collected type, but there was this deep underlying frustration in me that surfaced every now and then. It became more apparent when I started seeing that same girlfriend. I was aware of it, yet let it continue, even instigated things...
Morning Glory
tonight I learned that you are one of very few honorable men in the islands. I owe you a drink or dinner or something for that
It’s nice waking up to an email like this. Not that it needs such recognition, it would happen anyway. But it’s still nice.
“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings...”
– Litany Against Fear
Dune - Frank Herbert
“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness...”
– Unknown (via kari-shma)