Origins of Frustration
Last year I broke my hand when I punched a wall during an argument/misunderstanding with my then girlfriend.
I always thought I was more of the calm and collected type, but there was this deep underlying frustration in me that surfaced every now and then. It became more apparent when I started seeing that same girlfriend. I was aware of it, yet let it continue, even instigated things sometimes.
Thinking back that frustration has always been with me, not always noticeable, but there, waiting for a chance to escape.
This morning my colleague was talking about her son gets frustrated and throws his DS against the wall. I then remembered how when I was his age, about 4-6, I used to play with lego. I made the most detailed and awesome spaceships, even the adults used to comment on how cool they were. When in the middle of such a construction project there would be in inevitable mistake, and a huge chunk of the sip would break off. I used to immediately turn into a ball of rage and throw the entire thing against the wall, creating an explosion of multi-coloured lego bits that would rain down over everything. Of course then the rage would vanish to be immediately replaced by sadness and loss.
Why did this take so long for me to address? A
fter breaking my hand against the wall I found that I realised I would get frustrated much more than I thought, because while I had the cast on there were times where I would normally get frustrated, but because of what I had done to my hand I realised that getting frustrated would be pointless.
I work with an iMac, and though I love it, there is the occasional glitch I need to correct. Pre-cast I would get so frustrated at my computer I would sit and curse and get all tense and wound up. Coming into work with my cast one day, the computer was acting up. I started to get frustrated, but it didn’t even turn into a full thought, in the space of time of perhaps a few milliseconds my potential frustration deflated and I was left empty. I realised that frustration would not solve the problem, it would not help me at all, it would not be beneficial to anyone or anything. It also made me re-live the experience of breaking my hand against the wall, and the preceding argument.
How could I let my frustration loose against someone I love? Even when I realised I was doing it? Why did it take me so long to deal with this? Why have I had this inside me for so long?
You learn the hard way. I’m still learning.
I am so sorry baby.
