Origins of Frustration
The other day a work colleague’s son was running around the office with his Nintendo DS. She commented that it stands up well seeing as he gets frustrated and throws it against the wall or ground, and it still works. This brought to mind something my Mum still tells people, and that I remember quite clearly.
When I was about the same age as my colleague’s son, 5ish, I used to get absorbed in playing/constructing lego for hours. I used to create the most detailed and elaborate spaceships and other machines. Inevitably parts used to break off while trying to make something. I used to get so frustrated when this happened I would throw the entire thing against the wall or ground where it would explode in a shower of multi-coloured plastic. This used to get me even more angry, but it was less frustrated and more regretful, realising that by my actions I had turned a minor repair job into a complete reconstruction. I used to cry and feel helpless.
This has been with me since then. There has always been an underlying frustration buried deep within me. For what reason I do not know. Something from when I was very young? A previous life? I only know that it is there.
It rarely surfaces, but the past couple of years saw it come out more often. When it does I know that it doesn’t solve anything, and only makes things worse, but sometimes knowing that doesn’t stop it happening.
Breaking my hand against a wall after an argument with my then-girlfriend was the final straw. That kind of thing is not healthy, for me or anyone close to me. It opened my eyes, made me take control and start to delve deep into myself. I have grown so much since then, almost a year ago. There is still more to do, but now the frustration, while still noticeable sometimes, is very minor, and I don’t acknowledge it, at least try not to. This seems to work, though I need to find the causes for this I think in order to expel it completely.
Where did it come from? I think that’s something that will take some time to figure out. For now, I’m just trying to be aware, to be in the now. Focus, pay attention to my feelings. Release, or not even engage, any negativity. We have the power to do this. All it takes is to do it. It’s that simple. Whatever obstructions are in our way are put there by ourselves. It’s taken me some time to realise this, and I still am only just getting my head around it.
Sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better. Sometimes you only learn the hard way. As long as it gets you to where you need to be, it’s worth it. Everything is a lesson. Take heed, learn from it.
Then you realise it doesn’t have to be hard. You can learn through love and beauty. Either way is acceptable. They lead to the same place. Why not take the scenic route?
I am glad that you were a part of this lesson. I hope you continue to be so. I am sorry that it took me so long to realise. I love you.
